A chilling sensation swept through my body as though it hit every last nerve ending all at once. I still do not know how my stomach did not burst open, as it felt like it was contorting in ways I did not think humanly possible. My heart hit the inside of my chest with what seemed like increasing intensity with every single beat. As all these feelings were escalating, I suddenly realized that I wanted this more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. This was it. This was my time.
Moments early the whole team had been in the locker room, all equally filled with excitement and anxiety. As Melissa, our coach, drew out plays and tactics on the chalk board, all were silent, hanging on to every last word that fell from her lips in hopes that each syllable would give us one more little push towards our goal. Then as she seemed to have gone over everything possible, there was a pause. This pause seemed to last forever, when she said “Are you guys ready?”
We were ready. The past three months were all in preparation for this day. From tryouts to now, starting out with a group of girls who all had little in common, except for one love, the love of the game. Coming together as a team; building one unit out of a group of twenty individuals, all coming together in hopes of reaching one goal, the state title. Game after game went by, victory after victory, seeming to make our goal more attainable. Then state came around, and we were still winning. This is when I finally knew we were going to do it; we were going to attain our goal. We had made it this far and there was no stopping us now.
Once the game finally was under way, the chilling sensation, nauseated stomach, and intense heart beating turned into a pure, driven focus. No way was I going to let my nerves hinder me, but instead it turned into an adrenaline rush that consumed me. As the game continued on, it did not leave me. It did not stop for one moment; it tuned out all distractions. Time seemed to go by so slowly, when finally, it seemed like it took ages for this moment to come about, the final whistle was blown. Our goal was now reality. We were the WIAA 1A High school Girls Soccer State Champions.
All that we had worked for had finally paid off. Coming together as a team, putting in all the time through out practices and what seemed like endless fitness was all worth it. The adrenaline rush that consumed me now exploded as if fireworks were shooting off through me and all around me. I never wanted to lose that feeling.
I knew from that moment on, that I never wanted to give up on anything. I am determined to always give my all, cause if it will bring me anywhere even close to that feeling that I experienced that day, I know it is worth it. I have learned to expect the best out of myself, and always reach for high goals. I also know how important it is to encourage those around you to work their hardest and set their goals. People will try to tear you down, but you got to have faith in yourself, and never let them kill your drive. If I work for something and set my mind to it, I know that I will come through. I never give up, even when it seems hard, because I know it is worth it at the end. People told us that winning state was far fetched, to high to set our goal, “maybe you should just try and make it to quarter finals.” Well people were wrong, weren’t they?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
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first, in the first paragraph there is some passive voice which kinda detracts form the intensity of the descriptions, ie "...feelings were escalating". I really like the paragraph that starts with "we were ready" its written very well algal! which reminds me of alligator...?
ReplyDelete"Once the game was finally underway" paragaph- the first sentence is pretty wordy. i'd take out all the descriptions and say "once the game was finally underway, all of our pregame sensastions turned into a pure, driven focus"
also,the end seemed kinda tacked on, try to blend it with the story a little more. if that doesnt make sense, just turn your head to the right and look at me and ask me what i mean, but sense you are prob not gonna read it while we're still sitting here, maybe you shouldnt try that.
WOW!!! That opening paragraph was intense!!! I envisioned you like running down the field, in slow motion, with no sound around you except the big BOOM of you hearbeat!!! GREAT opening!
ReplyDeleteNow, for my "constructive criticism." Haha. Be careful with some of your grammer. For instance phrases like "cause." Make sure they aren't "slang." Also, I felt like it skipped from the pre-game intesity to the post-game excitement. I felt like the game itself was completely skipped over. I don't know. I felt like there should be a little bit about the game. If you remember it, maybe the ups and downs of the game and then the final kick into the goal! Or something like that. Overall, AMESOME!
The first opening paragraph of this consumed all my thoughts and made me concerned. I was thinking to myself what could have possibly happened to you that would make you feel like this? I started to think somehting terrible had happened. As i continued reading, the story built up and i realized that no, nothing bad had happened but something totally opposite.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Cross about the wording tho. There are alot of unnecessary words in the paragraphs but i do understand you are building up the reader for the reason why you felt this way.
Altogether, i do think this is a great personal statement! Just work on wording everything a bit more and BAM, you have a great PS! =D
I felt like i was acctaully with you in the locker room, and the time you spoke of "fireworks" was really descriptive.
ReplyDeleteI would say re-read it and make some different word choices because it will make all the difference! Great job on being descriptive!
At the end it sounds a little repetitive but all in all it was very well done!
That was an excellent description of such an amazing event! I felt I was there too, ready to go out and win a game! Great job, and wonderful writing. Like stated above, some of the words are unneeded, but don't be so hasty to remove them, the inclination to add those were a part of who you are... Nice job!
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