hero's cycle - companions/trials

Life is moving so fast right now. I feel like everyhting has changed this year, and still is in the process of changing. I feel like this is evident in most aspects of my life, but more so in the relationships with the people around me.
Coming back to school for senior year, i had high hopes for what would transpire. And honestly, those high hopes have no where been near to how this year is going so far. Everyone has changed since last year. I'm not saying everyone is changing for the worst, they just changed, or are in thre process of changing. With these changes, some friend groups have changed. I'm pretty much still friends with all the same people, but not all of them are really still my friends. The atmosphere is just different now. It is uncomfortable;uncomfortable because we are all trying to adjust to these differences. Though they may be slight, it is still almost unsettling. I felt so close with certain people last year, that i feel so distanced from this year. I try and put on a smile as i walk by them in the hall, a sarcastic remark in class, or jokes here and there at the lunch table, but i just don't feel those same connections anymore. Something is in the connections have altered.like We are being slowly pulled apart from eachother,and i have no control over it. It's like gravity is pulling them further away from me, slowly out of my reach. Why can't i hold on? Or can i hold on? I feel like if it keeps going like this, i'm going to lose hold of what connections i have. I could lose grasp, and i don't like thinking of what that will mean for the future.
There are a couple of people who don't have that changed and uncomfortable feeling about them, one who sticks out atleast. We have been there for eachother, through some interesting situations over the past year specifically, and all through highschool really. But because of some changes, i do feel distanced from her this year. I am being pulled in two directions all at once. I am basically under shared custody, having to split my time as evenly as possible between two people. It may sound so silly, but even picking where i sit in certain settings has to be monitored and evenly divided through a week. Who i talk to in the hall, who i sit by at lunch, every time i choose to do anything, i have to pick one over the other. It's emotionally draining. It may sound like i am being hard on myself, but i know each decision affects atleast one of the two, though i'm sure it affects both.
About a year ago, this would not even be close to an issue. All three of us were pretty much inseperable. That's why this is so heart breaking. Seeing the two of them together in one spot is so hard to watch now. When i am with one of them, as i see the other looking at us, i can see her hurting. It kills me to watch my best friend whose been by my side for so long feel excluded, as if she can not come up and join because she feels uncomfortable and unwanted by the other. Even when they are together, i can feel the tension. Sure, sometimes it is better than others, but those times feel somewhat like a facade. It is not even close to the way it used to be. I am being torn up emotionally all over the place. I have tried so hard to fix it, but i am starting to believe i can't. It is the worse to have to watch all this hurt and suffering, and feel this hurt and suffering, and not be able to do anything about it. I have no control over the situation. I can just encourage reconcilitaion as often as possible. One hopes for it as well, the other undecided. The undecided hurts the one with hope; the longer she waits, the more the other hurts; the further i am torn;the more pain i feel for the hurt; the harder it is to encourage her; the harder it is to understand the undecided;the more i am concerned about the outcome. What if there is no reconciliation? Will this be the rest of my senior year? Will I be under shared custody until college? I'm scared i will begin to despise them for pulling me back and forth constantly. How long can i hold in the middle? Will i have to choose one for my own emotional stability? Should i just detach my self from the both of them, and slowly drift away from our attachments?I could just choose neither of them. I would not have to worry about who i sat by, or talked to, or had lunch with. That could be my easy way out, to just not care anymore; not make it my problem. But i know i can not do that. It would not be fair to them, and i care about them too much. I have made it this far on not giving up, i can't leave now. I just don't know how i am going to be able to keep this up as it tears me up so much.
Everything is off relationally this year. My friends mean so much to me, which i always thought to be a good thing. But now i have to wonder, because i consider my friendships to be so important, is that what is going to ruin me this year? Sadly, i can only leave it up for time to tell.

Love a Grendel

1) I cleaned the entire house for my mom this weekend. this may not sound like a big deal, but if you know me i absolutely hate cleaning up the house. This may make me sound really lazy, but there are six people and two dogs in my house, and it can get pretty messy. Imagine all those dishes, it really sucks. And to make it even worse, our dish washer is broken right now, so you have to hand wash everything!So this really was kind of a stretch for me.But she seems to be in a bad mood alot, and constantly complains about the house being a mess, so I did the dishes, swepted, swiffered, did laundry, and i even cleaned up after the dogs, which is quite awful. That part i wish i didn't do. if you know my dogs you know the mess is pretty bad.
2) I chose her because she seemed like she needed it the most this weekend. Plus i couldn't really think of any grendels, cause my mom probably isn't really much of one anyways. I personally could not think of any grendels in my life though. I like to think i get along with most people and I am actually proud to say i could not think of a true grendel in my life.
3)Cleaning the house was something i knew she would appreciate and give her less to stress about. I know i hate cleaning, and it is pretty obvious that she hates it too.
4)I don't really have much evidence, but she seemed to be in a pretty good mood sunday night.

Beowulf journaling

What is a grendel? Someone who is mean, maybe shunned, or someone you don't get along with. But why don't we get along with these people? Do we just disagree on things? Or are we not interested in the same things? But this doesn't really explain why this person is a grendel in peoples lives. I mean, I get along well with people who fit under those categories. I feel like there are some people who are just simply mean. No matter the situation, they are pretty much in a bad mood. No matter how nicely you ask them a question, they always spat some maliciousness back in your face. No matter how genuine you are, they ridicule you. My simple, yet somehow complex question- why? Why are these people so cruel? Shouldn't there be a simple explanation? But I do not understand why they have to be this way. Why would they respond to people in these ways? Do they not see that they get a negative reaction from it? That's why it has to be deeper than that. We do not know why, and that is why we are to continually do right by them, even though we expect the same awful reactions. It seems so unfair, which is why i like to hope there is a reason for it. Maybe that person has a bad home life, or has/was always shunned or rejected. I am not trying to justify their grendel qualities and actions, but maybe see life from their perspective. Writing this all down here is one thing, but actually applying it is another. It can be so hard to continually try and care for people who constantly reject you. Maybe they just want you to leave them alone. How do you know how close to the line they want you to come? By just leaving them alone, would you be proving there point of not caring, or would you just be pissing them off by pestering them? So i guess i really have to questions, how and why?